Adoption Answer is honored and very excited to be utilized as a trusted resource and ministry in many churches across the United States.  If there are any adoption or unplanned pregnancy counseling needs in your church or community, please feel free to contact our office.  We can supply you with brochures geared toward someone who might be in an unplanned pregnancy or information for perspective adoptive families. Get the TRUE FACTS about Adoption.

The other day I was being interviewed by the producer of a show that is interested in doing a piece on Adoption Answer.  I like this producer – he and his wife have an incredible heart for adoption and orphans.  As he delved into his many questions, he asked me one that I have not thought of in years.  He asked, “Michelle, WHY did you start doing this?” (“This” meaning work in adoption.)

As I thought about the answer to that question, my mind filled with images of adoptive families and birth moms and babies.  That was not the answer he was looking for.  He was digging deeper for the exact “why” behind Adoption Answer – the story behind this ministry and company.

When I was 20 and found out I was pregnant, I was overwhelmed with fear and shame.  I was in college and working full time.   My parents had raised me with values and I had gone to a Christian School and church twice a week since I was little.  I knew what was right and I knew what was expected of me.  When I sat down and shared my pregnancy with my parents, I could see the pain on their faces as they realized that the dreams they had for me were crashing and burning.  They were shocked, hurt and disappointed in me.

My European father went quiet and after my, “I’m so sorry Daddy!” he withdrew to another room where I later found him on his knees praying.  My mother, who is from the Philippines, was anything but quiet. I saw the respect that my 14 year old sister Marie had had for me fade quickly as she realized what was going on.  My older sister, Millie, was there with me, giving quiet support. That evening was the hardest one I had faced in my lifetime up to that point.

The relationship I was in was my first “real” relationship.  I thought it was love.  After my pregnancy, he turned from charming to emotionally and mentally abusive to physically abusive with me ending up in the hospital. At that point, I retreated to safety and he walked away forever.

When I came to terms with the predicament I had placed myself into, I wanted to take full responsibility and make it right for my unborn baby.  When I looked at adoption, it absolutely was the right option.  My child deserved so much and part of that so much included two parents in a stable situation.  I had no business taking on the responsibility of a child.

There were two odds against me regarding adoption:

1.       Number one, I have shared freely.  The adoption agency I chose was highly critical, judgmental and not birth mom user friendly.  I felt that if they could not treat me with some compassion and kindness in our first meeting, I could not entrust my daughter’s life to them.

2.       The second issue I have not shared.  When my daughter’s biological father found out that I was looking at the option of adoption, he called to share that he had spoken to an attorney and that there would be no adoption because it was his right to veto it.  He then proceeded to never ever even buy a diaper, birthday card, call or show any responsibility whatsoever.

As I look back on that time, it is more than evident that every piece of that pregnancy, family response, agency encounter and birth father reaction would be instrumental in helping me to understand and guide others.

My family’s response upon hearing of my pregnancy came from a place of love for me and was a result of my actions hurting them.  Thankfully, they forgave me and accepted my situation and daughter with unconditional love.  Without them, I could not have done it right. After my daughter Arielle was born, my first role in life became being her mom -though I continued to work and go to school.  I accepted the complete switch of my social life and didn’t start to date again for a long time.   Though all of my priorities changed and I was a responsible mom, the fact is, I NEEDED my family in order to raise my daughter properly.  Their help allowed me to continue to reach my personal goals and provide for her at the same time.

Here’s the WHY:

My calling to work in adoption didn’t happen overnight.  I have always had a natural inclination toward helping others, but as I matured from my own experience – I began to feel a strong conviction to do so.  As I began to work with others, I was able to relate on many levels  -but one thing that differed with so many of them was the lack of a support system in their life.  Without a support system, the cycles of addiction, abuse, abortion, non-education and reliance on the system continue.  Here’s what we are dealing with:

1.       7 out of 10 girls that we work with have little to no family support.

2.       60% have a child already that they are struggling to support.

3.       75% have not even finished their high school education.

4.        70% are involved or have been in a relationship where some sort of abuse is present.

5.       Almost 1/3 of teenage girls will become pregnant.

6.       750,000 teen girls will become pregnant this year alone.

The agency situation I dealt with myself – was what it was.  My experience with them gave me insight as to how not to deal with a young woman in crisis.  Adoption, from a birth mom’s perspective, is not a business transaction. It is a time of personal heart ache that takes a tremendous amount of inner strength to carry out.  It likely will be one of the hardest decisions any young woman will face in her lifetime.

1.       Just because we may be dealing with a young woman who may be one of the above statistics, does not give anybody the freedom to treat them as a “lesser than”.

2.       We have an opportunity every day as these calls come in to pour compassion, kindness, encouragement, support and God’s love into these young women.  We continue to do it for those who are able and willing to accept the help we give.

3.       It’s not just about the baby and the adoption.  It’s about helping these young women to set goals, break bad cycles, gain education and gainful employment, and become better moms to the children they do have.  The adoption is a blessing and is what has brought them to us  – it is significant, but just a piece of what I feel compelled to help them with.

The reaction of the birth father in my personal situation, though overwhelming at the time, is a typical one.  Unfortunately, we see it regularly.  We can recognize a baseless threat for what it is,  we are not held hostage by them.

1.       I give credit to any birth father that actually does have the best interest of their child in mind.

2.       Be it parenting or adoption, we lend support to those birth fathers that will step forward and want to take responsibility and have the means to do so.

3.       There is a process that is completed legally to terminate a known and named birth father’s rights.

As I have reflected on this “WHY”, it is good to define it and share with you.  I have felt the freedom to share things I once found shameful.  The truth is, I was the first young woman in a crisis pregnancy I ever had to deal with.  Coming to terms with my own choices and abuse has helped me, and in turn – our staff, to meet these girls exactly where they are at with complete non-judgment. I thank the Lord for carrying me through that difficult time and my family for their never ending support and belief in me.  It is our privilege as a staff to now share our faith and pass on that support  to those we are called to help.   If I can break the cycles, anybody can.

My son Garrett is home sick today from kindergarten.  He asked me if he could still eat breakfast even though he is sick.  He is five and at that stage where no question is too ridiculous to ask.  When you answer his questions, be prepared for more questions to follow.

After I told him to choose something for breakfast without anything dairy in it because he has a horrible cough, he gleefully chose organic pop-tart things. (Yes – they do exist.)  As he brought me the packet which held two “pop-tarts”, I let him know that he could have one – not both.  He looked at me as if the world was coming to an end, then marched himself over to the bottom step and sat down.  When I asked him what he was doing, he let me know that he was putting himself in time-out because he had a bad attitude.  This – is my Garrett.

As I turned around to finish making lunch for my daughter Devony, she said, “Mom, he is soo weird.  He puts himself in time-out.  Oh, my gosh.”  Welcome to my world.

When Garrett was done with his self inflicted time-out, he joined his sister at the table to eat his one “pop-tart”.  Out of the blue he asks, “Mommy, did I come out of your tummy?”  I draw in a deep breath as I already can feel his next questions.  I answer, “Yes, my love, you did.”  He asks what he already knows.  “Did Ari (my oldest daughter) come out of your tummy?”  I again answer, “Yes”.

At five, he knows about but doesn’t yet grasp the concept of adoption.  He proceeds to ask, “Well where did Devony come from?”  I cringe inwardly because I don’t ever want her to feel different and I am trying to figure out a way to speak in five year old language that will, at the same time, somehow validate my 11 year old.  I tell him (and her) that we were specially chosen by somebody very special to be Devony’s family.  God chose me to be Ari’s mom and your mom and I was selected by God and that someone special who carried Devony in her tummy to be Devony’s mom, too.  “Isn’t it a blessing how God knows how to put families together?”  I ask them both.

I watch for some reaction from somebody.  Devony looks a bit bored – like, this is so old news.  Garrett keeps eating and then asks, “So how bad did it hurt when you had to push, push, push me out of your tummy?”

I guess my simple answer was good enough for both of them.

Adoptive Parent Tip: When answering questions regarding your child’s adoption:

1. Keep it simple.  They don’t need all the details.  If they want to know more, they will ask – believe me, they will.

2. Speak at their level.  Use language your child(ren) can relate to.

3. Check in with them to make sure they are ok with the information given to them.  Sometimes new information might draw out emotions that need an extra hug or explanations.

4. Don’t make more out of it then it is.  Chances are, your child is 100% fine with being adopted.  Their normal is being your child.  It’s good to make them feel special, it’s better for them to feel as if they are just like everybody else in your family.

After having a phone discussion with one of our Adoptive Moms today, I found myself both bothered and impressed.  The adoptive mom’s name is Jessica.  She is Caucasian, as is her husband Harry.  Their almost two month old baby girl, Sara, is bi-racial African America/Caucasian.  Together, they make a beautiful family.

Sadly, they have received remarks from perfect strangers questioning Sara’s place in their family; questioning their place as Sara’s parents.  I am bothered by the callousness of the statements and find myself wanting to come to their defense.  There is no need for me to do so though.   Jessica, small in stature with her sweet southern drawl, shares how she became “Mama Bear” and let ‘em have it.

I now feel justifiably angry and proud of her at the same time.  I shared with Jessica my desire to write about this.  As I sat down to do so, I realized this is not about reverse racism or racism in any form really.  Though it saddens me that this may be an issue that some  adoptive families face.  This – is about Jessica and Harry.  This is about Jessica and Harry walking into that hospital seven weeks ago and upon seeing their daughter for the very first time, they saw just that.  They saw their daughter and they named her Sara, then they proudly took her home.  When Sara’s place in their lives was questioned, they stood up and gave the only answer they know.  She is perfect and right where she belongs.

The journey of their adoption has been emotional, with hills and valleys like so many others.  They came to us last December and shared their dream.  We started working together with them in February.  In this line of work, I am blessed to see dreams of becoming a mommy or daddy for the first time fulfilled.  But it is rare that I am able to witness our couples “become” parents.  Today, I had that privilege.

After hearing about Jessica’s encounter, she shared Harry’s response after she told him.  I was not surprised at his immediate desire to protect little Sara and how he could best meet the needs of his family.  Together, they are making plans as how to deal with this situation – should they ever be faced with it again.  Just like any other mom and dad, their daughter is their priority.

I am proud of Jessica and Harry for so many reasons.  They opened their hearts to adoption. They closed their eyes to color.  They have shown nothing but love to Sara’s birth mom.  But today, I think I am most proud that they have embraced their role as protector over this sweet little girl – as if they had given birth to her themselves.  That instinct, and their unconditional love for Sara, did come to them – naturally.

Welcome to parenthood Harry and Jessica.  Sara could not be in better hands.

We received a call from 17 yr old yesterday ~ she has decided to place her baby for adoption BECAUSE she had a teacher who invited a speaker to share the positives of adoption to their class 2 years ago.   This sweet girl did not realize when she called that her teacher is our very own Wendy Berry and that the speaker was our director -Michelle Dettman. NOW ~ a family will have a baby to love right in time for Thanksgiving. PTL!