40 Days for LIFE is a time set aside every year that individuals with a conviction to stand for Life,  join together with others to pray for the unborn and their mother’s who are contemplating abortion.  Though they do stand for 40 Days with signage in front of Family Planning Clinics or Planned Parenthoods – this is not the group that stands with graphic images, shouting judgment offensively.   Rather, their message  is one of the value of life. Their commitment for this 40 Days is to publicly pray – and it is working.

Last night, we were honored to be invited to share about Adoption Answer at the Closing Celebration of the Montclair 40 Days for Life.  This particular group was able to save the lives of 12 babies in the past 40 Days. How?  Because they showed up and through the power of prayer, they were able to reach out to these young women and speak truth to them.

Abortion is a tough topic – one which is avoided because it is uncomfortable to think about and because it is so controversial.

Will you please allow yourself to join me in thinking about it for just one moment here?

Here is the truth as I see it.

Abortion = Death

As we have dealt with hundreds of young women in unplanned pregnancies, many have had an abortion previously.  Those women mourn the death of their baby – this type of guilt is incredibly heavy.  God has given us, as women, the unique ability to give our children life.  It is 100% against a mother’s natural instinct to kill her child.  For those who say no one suffers when a baby is aborted have not personally spoken with a woman who has experienced it.

Truth spoken, often = Life

I was so happy to hear of the 12 babies who will now live because someone made a stand for them.  Someone took the time to speak the truth to that mom that her baby has been created for a purpose.  Many do not know that a baby has an actual heartbeat three weeks after conception.  Before a woman even misses her period, here baby’s heart is beating.

Adoption = Life

Of those 12 moms who have now chosen to allow their baby to live, one has chosen adoption.  She now realizes that she has options.

If I have somehow offended you with this post, it is the one time you will here me say that I am happy to have done so.  Abortion is far too often used as a method of birth control.  It is an excuse for irresponsible behavior.  It is sold as “an easy way out” bill of goods.   I have personally witnessed the devastation of the lives of women who have bought into that bill of goods. Though my calling is to the ministry of adoption, I stand for life.

Now that we are aware of this 40 Days for Life organization, we will be proud to join them in praying and partner with them to offer our services, when needed.

If you are interested in finding out more about your own local 40 Days – please go to:   www.40daysforlife.com

I have often wondered what I would say if I was to see my daughter Devony’s birth parents.  How would I act? What would I do?  The perfect picture in my mind – if it ever was to happen- is all about love and my thankfulness to them.

If I ever was to get that chance, I would hope that it would be a time that was completely age appropriate for my daughter.  She is just 11 and in middle school.  This time for her is naturally confusing enough as it is.  She is secure in the fact that her dad and I love her with all of our hearts.  She enjoys her place in this family with an older brother and sister and a younger brother.  She is confident.  She is good natured. She has a witty sense of humor.  She loves the Lord.  She is super athletic – the fastest girl around (according to her coaches and her dad).  She is a straight A honor student.   She is perfect.  She is my girl.  Her dad would say she is his girl. My Dad – her Papa- would say she is his girl.   She is our girl!

Thank you so much is what I would say to them.  I would hug them and then look them in the eyes and I would say thank you.  I would say it a million times over and that still would not seem like enough.

To her birth mom, in particular, because I met her and loved her the instant I met her – I would want her to know that I have thought about her daily for 11 years, 9 months and 5 days.  I pray for you daily.  I hope that you know and believe that the sacrifice of love you made all those years ago has fulfilled and enriched our lives so much that words cannot even describe it adequately.  I pray your life is blessed and filled with love and laughter.  Somehow, I have this great feeling that it is.

There are many things that we share.  I know we share the same faith in the Lord.  We share a mother’s heart and all the love that comes with it .  And you have shared the most amazing child with me.  I promised you that I would take care of her and I have always had you in the back of my mind when making certain decisions for her.  I want you to be proud of how we have raised her.

I guess I don’t need to see them or say anything directly to them because my feelings are what they are. The love and respect for our daughter’s birth parents will remain there.  And the heart felt gratitude that lies deeply within me will be there whether I ever have the opportunity to share it directly with them or not.

But if I ever was to see them, and I happened not to say anything to them because it was so unexpected…  I would hope that somehow they would know how I really felt.

Regardless of the outcome of yesterday’s elections here in California, today I am counting my blessings.  In an economy such as this, the fact is, we still have wonderful families who are budgeting and investing in private adoption.  I just received a text from an adoptive mom who adopted last year through us – they are budgeting for next year as they want to adopt their second child.  I understand this takes planning.  PLEASE KNOW that your financial investment is not taken for granted. If you are being called to adopt, then we know that God WILL provide.

The following is some exciting news regarding an actual tax reimbursement (not just a credit).

Good news for adoptive families from the health care bill just signed into law March, 2010.  Included in the bill were favorable changes to the Adoption Tax Credit.

Here is a summary of changes made:

• The maximum credit was increased from $12,150 to $13,170

• The credit is extended through December, 2011.

• The credit was made refundable.  If a family has no tax liability,  the IRS will refund the amount due.

We are hopeful and prayerful that President Obama will extend this again.  To know that this amount will be reimbursed, not just be utilized as a tax write off is such a blessing!

Please be sure to speak to your own personal accountant about this and all of your adoption expenses.

Expenses to keep track of:

1. Home Study
2. Fingerprinting
3. Attorney Fees/Agency Fees
4. Facilitator Fees
5. Paid Birth Mom Expenses (living, medical, travel)
6. Adoption Service Provider (California adoptions)
7. Travel Expenses
8. Adoption Profile Expenses (books shown to Birth Moms)

Last week I got a call from a birth father sharing that his girlfriend was in labor at the hospital – dilated to 6cm.  She was almost a month early so it was an unexpected call.  I, in turn, called Alison the Adoptive Mom.  No answer, leave message.  Call home number, same thing.  Text her.  No response.  They live about two 1/2 hours away from the hospital.

In preparation for time off of work, Alison was expecting a letter from me to be emailed to her that day.  I sent it and she thought I was calling to let her know I sent it, so was in no rush to listen to her messages or read her texts.  As I was en route to the hospital, I called her again and she happily answered not expecting this call to be – THE CALL!

“Alison – hi, did you get my message?”  She said – “I saw you called, but didn’t listen to your message.”  “Did you get my text?”  I ask.  She says – “I didn’t read it.”  So nice to be so loved.

I let her know that her birth mom is in labor.  6 centimeters.  In hospital.  Having baby.  Right Now.  Alison is so adorable.  Her first response is “What should I do?”   Not just a regular, normal “What should I do?”, but a high pitched, Oh my gosh, help me kinda “Whaaaaat shoooooould I dooooo?!!”

Sometimes I LOVE my job and this just happens to be one of those moments.   That excitement cannot be reproduced.

When I got to the hospital, I was happy to help this adorable birth mom through her labor until Alison arrived just in time to help her through the delivery part.  Alison’s husband, Todd, and I were blessed to have front row seats in the hallway right in front of the delivery room.  We listened to all of  the interaction during the pushing and the whole birth.  We saw the baby right after she was born.  So amazing!  Always such a miracle.

It’s interesting what a Dad talks about while his baby is being pushed out in the next room.  I can almost guarantee that Todd does not recall our conversation about the history of certain religions, his dogs, the Incredible Hulk (long story),  how teachers have it made (work wise/hour wise/vacation wise)…  He is a History Teacher so he has every right to say whatever he wants to about history or teachers.   And – he’s obviously excited and nervous and can’t believe what’s happening is actually really happening.

I more often get to see women become a mommy.  It was really special to witness this kind man with such a great sense of humor – in a moment -become a daddy.  Tears in his eyes, deep breath, looks at me nervously/excitedly before he walks in to meet his daughter.

When I went to visit them the next day in the hospital, it didn’t surprise me at all to find Todd and Alison laying on one bed with the baby and the birth mom and dad hanging out on the other one.  There they were – the five of them, as comfortable as can be.  I LOVE this situation.  As hard and emotional as some situations are – this one is is just right.

Adoption Answer is honored and very excited to be utilized as a trusted resource and ministry in many churches across the United States.  If there are any adoption or unplanned pregnancy counseling needs in your church or community, please feel free to contact our office.  We can supply you with brochures geared toward someone who might be in an unplanned pregnancy or information for perspective adoptive families. Get the TRUE FACTS about Adoption.

The other day I was being interviewed by the producer of a show that is interested in doing a piece on Adoption Answer.  I like this producer – he and his wife have an incredible heart for adoption and orphans.  As he delved into his many questions, he asked me one that I have not thought of in years.  He asked, “Michelle, WHY did you start doing this?” (“This” meaning work in adoption.)

As I thought about the answer to that question, my mind filled with images of adoptive families and birth moms and babies.  That was not the answer he was looking for.  He was digging deeper for the exact “why” behind Adoption Answer – the story behind this ministry and company.

When I was 20 and found out I was pregnant, I was overwhelmed with fear and shame.  I was in college and working full time.   My parents had raised me with values and I had gone to a Christian School and church twice a week since I was little.  I knew what was right and I knew what was expected of me.  When I sat down and shared my pregnancy with my parents, I could see the pain on their faces as they realized that the dreams they had for me were crashing and burning.  They were shocked, hurt and disappointed in me.

My European father went quiet and after my, “I’m so sorry Daddy!” he withdrew to another room where I later found him on his knees praying.  My mother, who is from the Philippines, was anything but quiet. I saw the respect that my 14 year old sister Marie had had for me fade quickly as she realized what was going on.  My older sister, Millie, was there with me, giving quiet support. That evening was the hardest one I had faced in my lifetime up to that point.

The relationship I was in was my first “real” relationship.  I thought it was love.  After my pregnancy, he turned from charming to emotionally and mentally abusive to physically abusive with me ending up in the hospital. At that point, I retreated to safety and he walked away forever.

When I came to terms with the predicament I had placed myself into, I wanted to take full responsibility and make it right for my unborn baby.  When I looked at adoption, it absolutely was the right option.  My child deserved so much and part of that so much included two parents in a stable situation.  I had no business taking on the responsibility of a child.

There were two odds against me regarding adoption:

1.       Number one, I have shared freely.  The adoption agency I chose was highly critical, judgmental and not birth mom user friendly.  I felt that if they could not treat me with some compassion and kindness in our first meeting, I could not entrust my daughter’s life to them.

2.       The second issue I have not shared.  When my daughter’s biological father found out that I was looking at the option of adoption, he called to share that he had spoken to an attorney and that there would be no adoption because it was his right to veto it.  He then proceeded to never ever even buy a diaper, birthday card, call or show any responsibility whatsoever.

As I look back on that time, it is more than evident that every piece of that pregnancy, family response, agency encounter and birth father reaction would be instrumental in helping me to understand and guide others.

My family’s response upon hearing of my pregnancy came from a place of love for me and was a result of my actions hurting them.  Thankfully, they forgave me and accepted my situation and daughter with unconditional love.  Without them, I could not have done it right. After my daughter Arielle was born, my first role in life became being her mom -though I continued to work and go to school.  I accepted the complete switch of my social life and didn’t start to date again for a long time.   Though all of my priorities changed and I was a responsible mom, the fact is, I NEEDED my family in order to raise my daughter properly.  Their help allowed me to continue to reach my personal goals and provide for her at the same time.

Here’s the WHY:

My calling to work in adoption didn’t happen overnight.  I have always had a natural inclination toward helping others, but as I matured from my own experience – I began to feel a strong conviction to do so.  As I began to work with others, I was able to relate on many levels  -but one thing that differed with so many of them was the lack of a support system in their life.  Without a support system, the cycles of addiction, abuse, abortion, non-education and reliance on the system continue.  Here’s what we are dealing with:

1.       7 out of 10 girls that we work with have little to no family support.

2.       60% have a child already that they are struggling to support.

3.       75% have not even finished their high school education.

4.        70% are involved or have been in a relationship where some sort of abuse is present.

5.       Almost 1/3 of teenage girls will become pregnant.

6.       750,000 teen girls will become pregnant this year alone.

The agency situation I dealt with myself – was what it was.  My experience with them gave me insight as to how not to deal with a young woman in crisis.  Adoption, from a birth mom’s perspective, is not a business transaction. It is a time of personal heart ache that takes a tremendous amount of inner strength to carry out.  It likely will be one of the hardest decisions any young woman will face in her lifetime.

1.       Just because we may be dealing with a young woman who may be one of the above statistics, does not give anybody the freedom to treat them as a “lesser than”.

2.       We have an opportunity every day as these calls come in to pour compassion, kindness, encouragement, support and God’s love into these young women.  We continue to do it for those who are able and willing to accept the help we give.

3.       It’s not just about the baby and the adoption.  It’s about helping these young women to set goals, break bad cycles, gain education and gainful employment, and become better moms to the children they do have.  The adoption is a blessing and is what has brought them to us  – it is significant, but just a piece of what I feel compelled to help them with.

The reaction of the birth father in my personal situation, though overwhelming at the time, is a typical one.  Unfortunately, we see it regularly.  We can recognize a baseless threat for what it is,  we are not held hostage by them.

1.       I give credit to any birth father that actually does have the best interest of their child in mind.

2.       Be it parenting or adoption, we lend support to those birth fathers that will step forward and want to take responsibility and have the means to do so.

3.       There is a process that is completed legally to terminate a known and named birth father’s rights.

As I have reflected on this “WHY”, it is good to define it and share with you.  I have felt the freedom to share things I once found shameful.  The truth is, I was the first young woman in a crisis pregnancy I ever had to deal with.  Coming to terms with my own choices and abuse has helped me, and in turn – our staff, to meet these girls exactly where they are at with complete non-judgment. I thank the Lord for carrying me through that difficult time and my family for their never ending support and belief in me.  It is our privilege as a staff to now share our faith and pass on that support  to those we are called to help.   If I can break the cycles, anybody can.

My son Garrett is home sick today from kindergarten.  He asked me if he could still eat breakfast even though he is sick.  He is five and at that stage where no question is too ridiculous to ask.  When you answer his questions, be prepared for more questions to follow.

After I told him to choose something for breakfast without anything dairy in it because he has a horrible cough, he gleefully chose organic pop-tart things. (Yes – they do exist.)  As he brought me the packet which held two “pop-tarts”, I let him know that he could have one – not both.  He looked at me as if the world was coming to an end, then marched himself over to the bottom step and sat down.  When I asked him what he was doing, he let me know that he was putting himself in time-out because he had a bad attitude.  This – is my Garrett.

As I turned around to finish making lunch for my daughter Devony, she said, “Mom, he is soo weird.  He puts himself in time-out.  Oh, my gosh.”  Welcome to my world.

When Garrett was done with his self inflicted time-out, he joined his sister at the table to eat his one “pop-tart”.  Out of the blue he asks, “Mommy, did I come out of your tummy?”  I draw in a deep breath as I already can feel his next questions.  I answer, “Yes, my love, you did.”  He asks what he already knows.  “Did Ari (my oldest daughter) come out of your tummy?”  I again answer, “Yes”.

At five, he knows about but doesn’t yet grasp the concept of adoption.  He proceeds to ask, “Well where did Devony come from?”  I cringe inwardly because I don’t ever want her to feel different and I am trying to figure out a way to speak in five year old language that will, at the same time, somehow validate my 11 year old.  I tell him (and her) that we were specially chosen by somebody very special to be Devony’s family.  God chose me to be Ari’s mom and your mom and I was selected by God and that someone special who carried Devony in her tummy to be Devony’s mom, too.  “Isn’t it a blessing how God knows how to put families together?”  I ask them both.

I watch for some reaction from somebody.  Devony looks a bit bored – like, this is so old news.  Garrett keeps eating and then asks, “So how bad did it hurt when you had to push, push, push me out of your tummy?”

I guess my simple answer was good enough for both of them.

Adoptive Parent Tip: When answering questions regarding your child’s adoption:

1. Keep it simple.  They don’t need all the details.  If they want to know more, they will ask – believe me, they will.

2. Speak at their level.  Use language your child(ren) can relate to.

3. Check in with them to make sure they are ok with the information given to them.  Sometimes new information might draw out emotions that need an extra hug or explanations.

4. Don’t make more out of it then it is.  Chances are, your child is 100% fine with being adopted.  Their normal is being your child.  It’s good to make them feel special, it’s better for them to feel as if they are just like everybody else in your family.